Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
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Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again