Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
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Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”