Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
You Might Also Like
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall