ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
You Might Also Like
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.