My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO