My purse is deeper than some people.
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dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.