when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
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Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Stonehinge
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her