Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
You Might Also Like
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.