Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
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In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Worth remembering.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS