people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
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It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg