I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
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I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
6: are snakes just neck?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you