The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
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Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
this has to be peak English
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Catering service
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.