Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
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Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*