Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
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My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it