but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
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My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Every. Damn. Time.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑