*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
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I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
It was worth a shot 😂
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.