Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
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You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician