When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
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[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
This is so me 😂😂
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
oppen heimer style lol
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie