Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
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ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
This has made my week.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?