doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
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You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.