If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
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I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.