I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!