I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
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“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Human are so complicated
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush