I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
You Might Also Like
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I’ve had worse
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.