[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
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the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.