1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
You Might Also Like
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him