Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.