[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
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My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.