“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
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Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
“What movie?” 🤔
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.