[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
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Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted