I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
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According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.