My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
A roof is a house hat.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.