The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
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My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi