dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
You Might Also Like
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
A roof is a house hat.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”