Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
You Might Also Like
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please