My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
You Might Also Like
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Go girl power!
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.