[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
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[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.