Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.