Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
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I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
<—- homeless romantic
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship