You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
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[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
anyone else like Italian cereal
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.