My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
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It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Holy shit he’s back
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”