i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
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This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
File under excellent bookstore names.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*