9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
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prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”