You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.