me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
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The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Cinematography is my passion
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS