“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
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i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
(Gaming support cat.)
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.