When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
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I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!