According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
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*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*