VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
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Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Sing it!
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Genius idea!!
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.