We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
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*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Baking is just science you can eat.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
But I really needed water water water
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.